By Bethany Batchelor
Editorial note: Ever wonder why English does not seem to conform to a multitude of rules the way Spanish or French does? One imaginative student enrolled in the 2021 course “History of the English Language” decided to poke fun at English’s varied background by relying on the tropes of 1990s sitcoms, rendering each language that influences our current linguistic mess as a separate character. Enjoy!
The screen is black. In an homage to Star Wars, text moves from the bottom of the screen to the top. The Narrator reads out loud.
NARRATOR
In a desperate attempt to spike the ratings of The English Language Show (trademarked, copyrighted, original characters do not steal), the Linguistic Progression Network (LPN) hosted a clip show spectacular/ potential finale. It contained the framework of a family reunion and segments from the most popular episodes. It also was rumored to include a never-before-seen segment of a possible revival of the franchise. The ratings have yet to come in, and the show’s future remains unsure…
Opening credits and theme song play.
Exterior (EXT.) In the Field Behind Proto-Indo-European Manor AKA Prondean Manor-Day
The camera pans around various family members partaking in both carnival-like games and conversations. RUSSIAN and GERMAN are arguing over pigs in blankets and pretzels respectively, while TUSCAN mediates (with little success). ITALIAN and GREEK JR. are playing ring toss. The camera lands on GERMANIC and her mother CELTIC, drinking tea in the adjoining garden. CELTIC has good posture. She maintains eye contact and stirs in a lump of sugar without looking at it. GERMANIC absentmindedly scarfs down three cucumber sandwiches while keeping an eye on her troublesome immediate family, seemingly half listening to her mother. The music fades, and we can slowly hear what they are saying.
CELTIC
Really, my dear, I don't know what you see in that Latin fellow.
GERMANIC
Mom, we've been over this.
CELTIC
Humor me. He's a bad influence on your daughter, and I want to make sure that vulgarity doesn't spread to anyone else.
GERMANIC
First off, you sound like a bad movie villain. I mean, who talks like that? Second, Latin is a good Catholic man with a stable hospital job.
CELTIC
Rude… we all know that he's the receptionist, don't build that idiot conman up to be influential in the medical field when it's simply not true.
GERMANIC
For the sake of argument, let's say I care. WHY pray tell, do you think my beloved husband is quote-un-quote 'vulgar'?
CELTIC
Well…
Ripple dissolve leads to a flashback/clip from the season one Pilot.
Interior (INT.) Movie theater. Raining-Night.
LATIN bursts in from the rain and shakes himself off while looking around for someone. He holds a bouquet of narcissus flowers. GERMANIC mans the concession stand. No one else is there.
CELTIC (V.O.)
Do you remember when you first started dating?
YOUNG GERMANIC
Latin! What's a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?
YOUNG LATIN
(Surprised. Almost drops flowers.)
Gerry… I thought you worked at the theater at the other end of town.
YOUNG GERMANIC
Why would I do that, silly? This is the one with the frozen yogurt store next door!
YOUNG LATIN
Truly the highest form of worker compensation.
YOUNG GERMANIC
I know, right?
A woman in a hat and coat comes in from the rain. Her face is initially covered by her umbrella, but she is quickly revealed as GAULISH.
YOUNG GAULISH
(Chipper)
Hi, honey, sorry I'm late; I got caught up signing a petition for Save the Puppies. Those puppies aren't going to save themselves!
MODERN GERMANIC (V.O.)
O.K., I GET IT.
Cut to CELTIC and GERMANIC with tea.
GERMANIC
Latin isn't always the best, but think about all the GOOD he's done! Why the ways he and Old English got along….
CELTIC
Wait, hold up now, OLD English?
GERMANIC
Yeah, English when she was little.
CELTIC
Wouldn't that be Young English?
GERMANIC
No, because you see she was young a long time ago, and thus that version of her is old in relation to the now. I read it on social media, so it must be true.
CELTIC
So, by that logic, I'm young?
GERMANIC
No. Now when English was old…
Ripple dissolve leads to a flashback/clip from Season 7 intro.
INT. OLD ENGLISH’S bedroom—Afternoon.
ENGLISH is jumping on the bed. LATIN is standing nearby.
OLD ENGLISH
But I don't want to take a nap! Don't make me! Interrobang!
LATIN
No honey, you’re not going to be ready for that until 1962, and you ARE tired darling. Sleep. Now. Please.
OLD ENGLISH
But I LIKE interrobangs; they are MUCH better than commas. I don't wanna sleep. I don’t wanna. I don't wanna. I don't WANNA!
LATIN
You’re making historically inaccurate references again. The network doesn’t like it when you do that. You know that means you're tired.
OLD ENGLISH
Look how jumbly I can be! Hwæt. We Gardena in geardagum,
þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon,
hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon…
Subtitles appear: LO, praise of the prowess of people-kings
of spear-armed Danes, in days long sped,
we have heard, and what honor the athelings won!
LATIN
Well, now you don't make any sense at all. Lay down, and you can have doughnuts for breakfast."
ENGLISH plops backward on the bed. LATIN sits next to her.
OLD ENGLISH
Daddy, could you go get Mommy to tell me a story? Yours aren't very good.
LATIN
No, Mommy is at the supermarket, remember? She's dog-sitting for Mrs. ASL next week, and Braille needs the finest premium food.
LAIN AND OLD ENGLISH
Spoiled rotten dog.
Footage pauses.
NARRATOR
We at The English Language Show (trademarked, copyrighted, original characters do not steal), would like to note that both Braille and what would become American Sign Language have their roots in France around the 1700s. We can only hope that this gross disregard for historical accuracy in exchange for representation points will be forgiven by our viewers.
You may now continue with your regularly scheduled program.
Footage continues.
LATIN
(Ironically)
Hey, I know! How about you tell ME a story? That would work, right?
Old English
Alright, but you need to pay good attention. Ahem. Once there was a great supermarket where all the cool hero people and stuff went to have parties, and all was good. Until a goblin came and shouted 'you’re too loud’ and stuffed them into his mouth like they were morgenmete! Num num num. And then all the heroes were sad because there was blood all over the carpet and none of their mommies weren’t home to clean it up-
LATIN
Well, actually, mommies aren’t the only ones who-
OLD ENGLISH
Daddy, I’m telling a STORY. It’s not your turn to talk.
LATIN
I’m sorry, but mommies aren’t the only ones-
OLD ENGLISH
All seemed lost, but then Beowulf (who was like the GREATEST hero) showed up! And he was awesome! And he beat up seaweed monsters! And he got all good grades in math! And all the teachers were like, ‘oh Beowulf, you SO smart. Why don’t you just have a recess for the rest of the day?’ And they said that all the days except Wednesdays because that’s when I have soccer, and I HATE soccer…
LATIN
But what happened to the other hero people with their goblin problem?
OLD ENGLISH
I was getting to that! So, Beowulf beat him up, and the goblin went running home to his mommy.
LATIN
Beowulf didn’t trick the goblin into giving him treasure or kill his twin brother to show the might of Roman patriotism? I mean- Hurray!
OLD ENGLISH
Oh, but the mommy wanted revenge! And so, she came to the supermarket and stole all their food
LATIN
Ak.
OLD ENGLISH
And Beowulf went after her and was like ‘you’re not very nice,’ and Grindle’s mommy-
Latin
Grindle?
OLD ENGLISH
The baby goblin was named Grindle, and he was all ‘oh no, I will stop being bad now. Rar. Here’s a magic sword as a token of my friendship!’ And Beowulf said ‘cool.’ And he got tons of treasure, and all the ladies and everyone wanted to be his friend, and then he got killed by a dragon and died. The End!
ENGLISH collapses asleep. LATIN shakes his head amusedly.
Dissolves back to CELTIC and GERMANIC.
GERMANIC
So, you see, without Latin, English would have far different story ideas and worldviews.
CELTIC
I still say that man’s trouble! I shudder to imagine what he’s doing now.
The camera pans back through the chaos to LATIN hiding behind a photo booth. GREEK SR. walks by with some cotton candy nonchalantly. LATIN drags him over to his hiding spot. GREEK continues eating his treat.
GREEK
So, who are we hiding from this time?
LATIN
I am keeping an eye on my kids
GREEK
Why the secrecy?
LATIN
(Snappishly)
Because YOU are not going to make the same mistake you made at episode 10/66!
GREEK
Wasn’t that years ago? And I think it turned out pretty good, all things considered. Leave French and English alone.
LATIN
It turned out pretty well, you mean. And another thing you’re wrong about? 10/66 was HORRIBLE. I remember it like it was yesterday-
Ripple dissolve starts and abruptly stops as GREEK waves it away.
GREEK
Do you even remember what you had for breakfast yesterday?
LATIN
As I was saying-
Ripple dissolve. Season 10, Episode 66.
INT. LATIN’S Bedroom—Evening.
LATIN is pacing and holding a walkie-talkie.
LATIN
Etcetera to Logophile, come in Logophile. Are you in position? Over.
GREEK(OS.)
Logophile to… whatever your name is, Latin. In position, over.
LATIN
Etcetera- I just said it’s Etcetera. Do you want to blow my cover? Over.
Cuts to GREEK.
EXT. Behind shed.
GREEK
I mean… maybe? This is all your own fault, you know.
LATIN (O.S.)
I KNOW it is, but this is bigger than anything I’ve ever done! My fourteen old daughter is going on a date with my son from a different woman!
GREEK
How come you know English’s age, but not French’s? That doesn’t seem like good parenting.
LATIN(OS.)
It’s English’s show so that’s where most of the research budget went. . It’s not like I have time to google his age. Leave me alone. Now listen-
Cut to LATIN.
LATIN
Has French come by yet?
GREEK(OS.)
Oh, yeah. He just went in the house ten minutes ago or so.
LATIN
One minute.
LATIN sets the walkie-talkie on the dresser. He punches his pillow. He does spontaneous push-ups. He screams at the ceiling.
Cut to the kitchen. FRENCH, ENGLISH, and GERMANIC look confusedly at the stairs.
Cut to GREEK hearing the elongated scream and putting gum in his mouth.
Cut to LATIN. LATIN takes a deep breath and picks up the walkie-talkie.
LATIN
O.K., O.K.. We can work with this.
Cut to GREEK.
LATIN(O.S.)
Raaaa. Greek, I want you to go in and be as annoying as possible, and hopefully… French will be embarrassed and leave. Ok? Ok! Father of the year goes to me.
GREEK
Yeah, couldn’t have gone to a nicer guy—
Cut to the kitchen. ENGLISH writes in a notebook and points at the food with her pencil.
ENGLISH
What do you call those dishes, French?
FRENCH
Porc, bœuf, and poulette.
ENGLISH
I like pork and beef, but I’m going to keep chicken.
FRENCH
You’re never going to pass the test if you keep doing that.
ENGLISH
Well if it ain’t broke-
GERMANIC places the pork, beef, and chicken dishes on the table.
FRENCH
Thank you, Mrs. Pro. This all looks delicious; you’ve simply outdone yourself!
GERMANIC
Why you’re welcome, French. (To English) Stop slouching, English. This is your first date, and you should at least pretend to be happy.
GERMANIC smiles warmly at English to demonstrate. ENGLISH sits up, almost hyperextended. She tilts her head and smiles with all of her teeth.
GERMANIC
(Whispering to ENGLISH)
Not that happy.
ENGLISH relaxes slightly. GERMANIC goes to the counter and starts putting dirty dishes in the sink.
FRENCH
Hey, English, is something up? You’ve been weird all day.
ENGLISH
(Sardonically)
Well, you and Mom have been jello along biter than you and I ever have, and Dad hasn’t shown his face ONCE, but other than that, I think it’s been going pretty wellspring.
GERMANIC
I’m not apologizing for being awesome.
FRENCH
Have you been getting words wrong to make me laugh… or…?
ENGLISH
My letters get all jumbly when I’m excited. Also, it's not WRONG if people can still understand it.
FRENCH
O.K., then.
Enter GREEK
GERMANIC
Oh, hi, Greek; how you doing?
GREEK
Heya…
FRENCH
Hi, Mr. Greek.
ENGLISH
How do you know Greek?
FRENCH
He’s Greek. He knows everyone.
GREEK
Actually, I just know Latin, and HE knows everyone. And all things considered… I would say he knows both of your moms VERY well.
ENGLISH
French, why would MY dad know YOUR mom?
FRENCH
Wait, Latin isn’t your dad, Latin is MY dad.
GERMANIC
(Growls) It looks like I’m going to need to have the talk with that man… again.
GREEK
(Rooting through cupboard)
OOO, is this baklava, Mrs. Pro.?
GERMANIC
That’s for Latin! Yeah, have as much as you want.
GREEK
Don’t mind if I do.
In the background, FRENCH goes into the living room.
ENGLISH
Mom, did you KNOW?
GERMANIC
English. French needs you right now. We’ll talk about this later when everyone’s more levelheaded.
ENGLISH enters the living room with FRENCH.
GERMANIC
Greek, Latin didn’t have those stupid walkie-talkie spy movie things on him, did he?
GREEK
Yep. He did. Help yourself.
GREEK slides his walkie-talkie across the table to GERMANIC. She picks it up.
GERMANIC
Wife to… I’m going to say Et Alii? I’ve just heard the news of someone who almost let his daughter do something extremely STUPID.”
LATIN(OS)
(Growls)
Greek, what were you thinking? They are both going to be so traumatized. You were supposed to do this more delicately—
Cuts to LATIN in an upstairs hallway.
GERMANIC(OS)
Well, I think our good friend Greek was thinking quite CLEARLY, unlike certain others that I will neglect to mention—
LATIN
Either you are Nordic and really do play checkers every other Friday, or you’re a hypocrite.
ARE THE KIDS ALRIGHT?
Cuts to the kitchen.
GERMANIC
Yes. They will be alright. I’m pretty sure it was just a study date anyhow. You are still in trouble, young man!
Ripple dissolve. LATIN and GREEK back at the reunion. LATIN glares at GREEK expectantly.
GREEK
As I said, it all worked out. Look at those two, STILL thick as thieves ,and no Luke and Leia situations… though I, too, have seen the Reddit threads.
Cut to a wide shot with FRENCH and ENGLISH talking amicably in the foreground and GREEK and LATIN spying in the background. FRENCH and ENGLISH are waiting in line for popcorn. Cut back to GREEK and LATIN.
GREEK
You see?
LATIN
Well, that’s all well and good for them, but it doesn’t make it less creepy that they are still friends. I swear I have brain damage from all the stress those two have put me through.
GREEK
You didn’t have brain damage before?
LATIN
What did you say?
Cuts to ENGLISH and FRENCH.
ENGLISH
So, what were we talking about?
FRENCH
Well, recently, I’ve been researching the pros and cons of revolution and rioting as instruments for societal reform, and I think you could learn a thing or two-
ENGLISH
No, no, I meant we should talk about ME.
FRENCH
I was telling a STORY. You wait your turn when someone else is telling a story!
ENGLISH
First off, No one cares. Secondly, it’s not MY fault that my name is in the show’s title! Get your own show!
FRENCH
Maybe I WILL!
FRENCH marches a couple of steps away.
ENGLISH
Please wait until AFTER the scene is over.
FRENCH
Les Rats.
ENGLISH shrugs. FRENCH returns begrudgingly.
FRENCH
(Dryly)
Oh, dear English. I have been dying to know how your blog has been doing. I will simply burst into a column of flames if you do not tell me this thing.
ENGLISH
(Chipperly)
I’m glad you asked French! And the answer is… terribly!
FRENCH
Oh no. You sound so despondent. I may burst into a column of flames.
ENGLISH
I KNOW, it IS horrible. My article on the works of William Shakespeare is blowing up, but no one CARES about anything else I’ve written!
FRENCH casually looks at the sky.
FRENCH
Maybe they’re appalled by your bad spelling.
ENGLISH glares at him.
FRENCH
I mean… You spell like an angel!... who just so happens to be on narcotics. What a tragedy! I have no idea how you will emotionally recover from your top-rated blog entry. Oh, the humanity.
ENGLISH
‘Tis true! I shall be forbearer tethered to my Shakespeare work and never progress beyond it! Woe is me!
FRENCH
That is FOREVER tethered. To further change the subject, what else have you written recently?
ENGLISH
I don’t know. I rebooted Robin Hood again recently… I write a lot of stuff. Stop bothering me!
FRENCH
Look, you’re early into your modern phase. There’s plenty of time to write stuff that will be better.
ENGLISH
Thank YOU. The things I have to do to get a semblance of a compliment around here, I mean, my WORD!
FRENCH
Sorry, did you say something? Dad and Greek are fighting over something.
Cut to FRENCH & ENGLISH foreground, GREEK & LATIN background camera.
LATIN has GREEK by the shoulders against the wall and is exaggeratedly kicking at his shins. No audio.
Close-up on FRENCH and ENGLISH.
FRENCH
Do you have any idea what they’re saying?
ENGLISH
No idea. It’s all Greek and Dad to me.
Cut to wide shot.
Theme music plays.
GREEK frees himself and starts bopping LATIN on the head. FRENCH offers ENGLISH some popcorn. The camera pans up to the clouds.
NARRATOR
And so ends the English Language Show. While we had a good run, the ratings we have received while editing the film have put to rest any indication of the revival that we so dearly hoped for. As Narrator, I deeply apologize to all our dedicated fans-
ENGLISH
Dudette, whatcha talkin’‘bout?
Cut to ENGLISH.
NARRATOR
Um… Excuse me?
ENGLISH
Cool down, sister. Dr. Bryan and the Harvest Editing Team totes stan this script. It’s not going anywhere, girl.
NARRATOR
Dr. Who? Harvest what?
ENGLISH
Oh right, you’re not on my level. K dawg, I am the QUEEN. Whenever the British navy sent out people, you can bet I did not have FOMO, ya crazy cat. (Really should bring that back; the ‘50s were WILD). After that hassle, I was everywhere. Everyone from China to Timbuktu knows me, so I ain’t going nowhere!
NARRATOR
Well then, I suppose the show goes on… with absolutely insane dialogue and disregard for traditional grammar it seems. Not sure how I feel about that…
The camera pans up to clouds while theme music plays.
Credits roll.
Cut to CELTIC and GERMANIC for post-credit scene.
CELTIC
That’s it? No difference between the inner circle and outer circle English? No reference to the Canterbury Tales or the Norman invasions? What IS this show?
GERMANIC
Mom, it’s what the people want. Who are we to argue with that?
CELTIC
But this is the last episode, and there’s so much more that we could touch on! I demand justice for the death of gendered nouns! And the only element we got for Modern English was a bunch of Star Wars references! There is SO much more to English than that!
GERMANIC
Well, there is a twist to this episode…
CELTIC
That you divorce Latin and live a life of peace and happiness?
GERMANIC
No.
CELTIC
Rats!
GERMANIC
The TWIST is that THIS was the pilot all along
CELTIC
What?! But the Narrator kept saying—
GERMANIC
Just because there are no more episodes of the show doesn’t mean it’s the end of English, Mom. The English language was influenced by many factors throughout history, but we truly don’t know where it will end up.
CELTIC
So, this was just a special pretending to be a season finale the whole time? America surely is creatively bankrupt.
GERMANIC
No argument there.
End.
Research and Development
Anonymous. “Beowulf (Modern English Translation) by Anonymous.” Poetry Foundation, Poetry
Foundation, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/50114/beowulf-modern-english-
Anonymous. “Beowulf (Old English Version) by Anonymous.” Poetry Foundation, Poetry
Foundation, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43521/beowulf-old-english-version.
“Beowulf.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc.,
https://www.britannica.com/topic/Beowulf.
Classics Summarized: Don Quixote - YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2C--8o3MVE.
“The History of Braille [Your Braille Resource].” Braille Works, 27 June 2019,
https://brailleworks.com/braille-resources/history-of-braille/.
“History of Italian Language: From the Origins to the Present Day.” Europass, 11 Nov. 2021,
https://www.europassitalian.com/learn/history/.
“Learn How to Format a Screenplay: Step-by-Step Guide - 2021.” MasterClass,
https://www.masterclass.com/articles/what-is-a-screenplay-formatting-tips-and-tricks#what-
font-is-best-for-writing-a-screenplay.
Legends Summarized: Robin Hood - YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mshRaY8gTs.
“News and Events.” Https://Www.dawnsign.com, https://www.dawnsign.com/news-detail/history-of-
Nordquist, Richard. “What Is a Logophile?” ThoughtCo, ThoughtCo, 6 Feb. 2018,
https://www.thoughtco.com/what-is-a-logophile-
1691139#:~:text=A%20logophile%20is%20a%20lover,is%20obsessively%20interested
Univ., Arnovick, Leslie K. (professor, Department Of English. English Language - a Linguistic
History. 3rd ed., Oxford University Press, Canad, 2016.